International Women's Day

When interviewed by Newsnight's Kirsty Wark, David Cameron's butler Nick Clegg was unable to inform the BBC journo as to exactly how many women were in his master's cabinet.

Imagine my shock having read the following puff in the Telegraph this morning:

"Nick Clegg opened trading at the London Stock Exchange alongside 50 leading women from business, the arts, politics and charities to mark International Women's Day.

The Deputy Prime Minister acknowledged there was "still a long way to go in achieving equality in society", despite a "huge amount of progress".

"There still aren't enough women breaking glass barriers" in the workplace, he added."


Glossary: Clegg , Nicholas: Minor but ambitious UK political figure. Former assistant to Conservative party leader Michael “Something of the Night About Him” Howard. Has recently graduated to the role of Butler to Conservative PM David “Calm Down Dear” Cameron. Clegg is famed in political circles for his claim that he has had sex with more than 30 different partners – a claim he was later to retract when informed that the prefects at his school and their fagging system didn’t count as sexual partners. Since entering into coalition with the Conservatives, however, he can now genuinely claim to have taken nearly 60 million of us up the (CENSORED)

More Glossary HERE.

Falkirk MP In Westminster Handbags Incident

The Labour MP for Falkirk has spent a night in the cells following a fracas in the Strangers' Bar in the House of Commons. The Daily Telegraph's gleeful report informs us that…

"It was claimed Mr Joyce "started lashing out" at people in the bar, which is for MPs and their guests.

One of his alleged victims was reported to be Conservative MP Stuart Andrew. He was also alleged to have hit as many as three

Labour MPs."

Glad to see he only had it in for right wingers, then.

Diary Of A Descent Into Middle Age

Big New Year’s party… next door.

My ill-clad neighbours – they’ll catch their death in all that flimsy gear, they don’t make clothes like they used to – partied until 3a.m this morning.

It’s not so much that I object to loud music. Or even the fireworks. It’s just the whooping that gets on my breasts.

All night. “Whoo!” “Woo-hoo!” “Woo-woo!” “Wooooo!”

It was like a fucking Daffy Duck convention meets an Ant & Dec audience.

Bastards.

Happy New Year.

Cameron Orders Phone Hacking Inquiry

"Cameron Orders Phone Hacking Inquiry" is the headline in the Evening Standard.

Should be a fairly simple business: a quick call to his ol' pal and former media guru and ex-News of the Hoors editor Andy Coulson should be the extent of it.

Canada

This BBC website headline certainly grabbed my eye:


"Royals Aim For Fun Canada Tour"



Royals. Canada. Fun.

Canada. Fun. Royals.

Royals. Fun. Canada.


Nope. Sorry.

Clarkson: How Hard Can It Be?

The graffiti artist who has seen fit to deface this poster of Clarkson (below, at Goodge Street Station) has also been kind enough to correct the great man’s (ahem) punctuation, too.

Note the apostrophe (or lack thereof) in “its”.

The strapline on the poster is Get It Right With Clarkson.

Glossary: Jeremy Clarkson: Famous car driver and heterosexual alternative to Stephen Fry for Daily Mail readers.

Fathers' Day – Win/Win

And so it's Fathers' Day tomorrow.

My favourite day next to National No Smoking Day – and I love NNSD because it's the only celebration for which you don't have to buy a card.

But I'm a very big fan of Fathers' Day, too.

With one offspring to my name and a dead father, it's absolutely a win/win situation.

No outgoings, ALL gain, the pleasure's ALL MINE. Like having a wank, only not so bleak.

Happy Fathers' Day. Yaroo!